Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Where flowers bloom, where love grows. -My thoughts about love are growing.

My thoughts about love are finally growing, it’s finally maturing, and it’s finally taking its own path, making its own backyard.

Love is such a wonderful four letter word. But I have also come to realize that, with that four letter word another four letter words could sprout—Fear, Lust, Risk, Dare, Hurt, Care, Wait, Last, Like, Give, Hope and Many More. It’s like a mother giving birth to its children.

I love the idea of getting the love from watching movies, series or dramas. It feeds my mind to hope for something like that to happen to me. To make me believe that I can have someone like John Cusack in Serendipity, believing in fate, believing in destiny or just like every character of Ryan Gosling in a romantic film making you, making us want to love.
But somehow, I’ve come to realize, that these whole things of loving someone or just the word love itself is a tough one to catch. It’s a closed ring, between you and that ‘love’. You’ll be fighting one on one, blood by blood, and the winner takes it all.

I fell in love and it was a tough one.  I have learned so many things from it and from that kind of love I have experienced; I started to know what I wanted.

I want someone who can admire the less obvious in me, the one who can see deep inside of my smiling face, of my laughing dance or my crying eyes. I wanted a love that can see my reflections, someone that can’t judge me for my mistakes or failures or someone that can’t define me because of my wrong doings.

I want someone who can look me in the eyes so deep that it’ll bother for a moment but I can gaze back through him and everything around us will just be a blur.  I want someone whom I can dance in the kitchen while cooking or baking, someone who can dance with me in the rain or tag along with our favorite indie music.

Someone who can see me not wearing any fancy clothes or make-ups, but still see something in me that’s worth like the Heart of the Ocean. Someone who can be crazy with me at all times, the same wavelength I had. It’s like we are playing mind games but no one will win because both of us will get it.

I pray for someone who can make a song for me, not really making an original song but making a song his own song for me, owning it, that whenever I heard that song playing wherever I am, he’s the only one I can always think about.

Someone who can travel with me and be adventurous. Someone that can dream with me while gazing through the stars. Someone who can sip coffee with me in the morning and someone who can drink wine with me in the evening. Someone who is ready to learn new things with me. I water you, you water me, so we grow together. Someone I can lean on, happy or sad moments. Someone I can trust my life with it. Someone who never let go, someone who never leaves. Someone who will hold you until you fell asleep from crying. Someone who can laugh at your silly jokes. Someone who is honest.
Someone that is really meant for you.

Someone I can be with to pray every time.
Most of all, a person that I can also be that ‘someone’ to him.

Or maybe, just someone who can love me. 

I am not asking too much, I just know the desires of my heart, the longing that I want, or the imagination that always plays in my mind.
There's no harm in praying for someone like that to come into your life anyway. Who doesn't? Love makes you feel like a romantic writer anyway. 

15 Thoughts about love that I always wanted my heart to remember

1. Find someone who admires you for something less obvious
2. You will never heal by going back to what broke you
3. Give love you never got
4. A person who vales you would never put themselves in a position to lose you
5. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free
6. You will never have to chase what wants to stay with you
7. If you have been brutally broken, but still have the courage to be gentle to others, the  you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.
8. The person who did this to you is broken, not you
9. It's not love's job to punish you
10. The absence of a lover is not the absence of love, I am my own belly butterflies, my own sunshine, my own warmth
11. Go for someone who is not only proud to have you, but will also take every risk just to be with you
12. Love is not your savior. Love is the luxury after you save yourself
13. When you lose someone, it is never the exactly the same person who comes back
14. If you don't belong, don't be long
15. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arise

Friday, August 4, 2017

To all the boys we loved before


     **To the guy I’ve known for so long, who suddenly become my best friend, my super bud, my food buddy and my confidante, partners in crime for life right? Thanks for being with me all the time you never know how much I appreciate this kind of friendship that we have. It isn’t for just a good time, I know. It feels so easy to talk about anything with you and it feels so safe to share about my problems with you without being judged. I can get the most exact comments from you, no filter, no sugar coating of words, you just say the exact truth. We laugh at the most bizarre things, we act like brothers, we share the common grounds and I thank heavens for sending me a friend like you. No drama.

**To the guy I’ve already forgiven, now. Now is the time I guess, to fill my heart with forgiveness. I will never forget of course, but surely I can forgive you. I don’t want to dwell in that gloomy past. I love myself so I am forgiving you.

**To the guy I’ve met in a deserted lane. We’ve crossed the same path, made a quick glance to one another, held hands but eventually didn’t stay for too long, it’s okay. We didn’t push ourselves too hard. Maybe it’s right, it feels okay but not right for too long. It just happened that we’re walking on that lane for the same day, but have different journeys to take.

**To the guy I’ve hoped. I still didn’t get the chance to meet you or maybe I already did? I don’t know. Maybe we already crossed the path, tend to look in each other but never said anything. I’m wondering what kind of lesson I might get from you. But surely, we’ll know each other.

**To the guy I gave nothing but heartaches. I am deeply sorry. You met me at my worst, where all things just go wrong in my mind, where I can’t think straight, where my only concern is my well being. You love me but all I did was to break your heart. You’ll always be a part of my life, strange as it seems, I learned a lot from you.  Selfish to realize but yes, someone can love me and can offer his whole Universe.  Thank you and sorry for the trouble, I know you’re doing well now and I wish you well.

**To the guy who crossed my path for a thousand times, I guess you’re free now. I can’t say more, cause all my letters in the past were always about you. So I’ll just stop here for good.

** To the guy, I’m giving my heart, please take care of it. Please have patience with it, please have it for a lifetime. Let’s be psychos, weirdos and crazy together. I can’t wait for the moment when the both of us are just two individuals, watching the sunset, watching the rain from outside, sipping coffee, reading books, going anywhere or nowhere, watching movies (Either X-men or Before sunset will do), telling our stories, fighting to worthless or significant topics we will encounter, or maybe just being us, just two individuals with the same insights and feelings. Let it be like an indie song. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

To my almost "always"

How can you love a person so much, so genuine, so sweet and then unlove them suddenly? How can you tell your promises to one another and broke them again? How can you say you won’t leave, when all you ever did was to walk away?
Dear  Stranger… again,
                It’s done.  Just like that, it’s over… again.
                You’re a stranger again, just like that.
I guess it will never work out the way we always wanted and right here, right now before the clock ticks to nothingness and before I lose the whole meaning of writing, I’ll never find and will never ask answers from you, simply because I just thought I don’t need them. There were questions that don’t need any answers; it’s like a rhetorical question needing a rhetorical answer.
I just want to go on with my life and by that means, without you.
Thank you, for leaving a trace that surely I will never forget. Still, I know, there will be times that I’ll miss you, I’ll remember you even if I just walk on that stupid lane we used to walked, surely I’ll remember how you say your dreams or you, confessing your love to me, but surely it will also remind me, that these things were all in the past, and that’ll wake me, because hey, I’m in the present.
Thank you, for giving me emotions. Happiness, madness, loneliness and for a time I feel a blood rush into my veins.
It’s funny how things work out, we used to be friends, best friends, turned out to be lovers, then strangers, friends and then lovers again, but you choose to be a stranger again… for a long time, and you suddenly came back again, then we became lovers again, then back to where we used to be… being strangers to each other, am I nuts? Maybe I am.
To tell you honestly, it came to my mind that I shouldn’t regret any single moments I had with you. I guess, it made a part of rebuilding of who I am, for knowing myself deeply, that without these certain moments, without these lessons, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now or the person that I will become.  Just like in the songs, “You made me stronger by breaking my heart”.  Thank you for all those countless memories, for the things you shared, for the laugh, tears you brought into my life, but most of all, for the heartaches that you gave me.
I am also sorry, for not being the person you used to know. I changed a lot. Maybe a part of the reason why is because of what happened to us. But I don’t blame you anymore, this is me right now and you can’t find the old one and to tell you, I can’t find you too.
And to tell you people, up until now, I don’t know what love can bring to me, to us. I just got a one realization, that when you break up with people, you also break a part of yourself, you detach from all these strings that once made you together. It is hard. But you have to accept and move on.
I forgive you anyway, maybe it’s not your fault after all, for not loving me anymore, for losing the string, for giving up on our always, maybe that’s just how it goes, cause maybe you’re not the one for me, maybe you’re just a hundred lesson I should learn back then, or maybe… I don’t know, cause future’s unknown and I’m only holding to what’s right now. And right now, the only thing that I should take from all of these is to accept the fact that people come and go and steal your parts and it’s up to you on how to regain yourself again from that heartache.

No one’s to blame, cause maybe it just how our story goes right now… but it is not the end. We should continue to walk on and be strong every day, to learn to love yourself and rebuild your trust. There will be an always for us, maybe not on the person we used to love, maybe from someone else, who knows? Love’s a puzzle, cause maybe the person we love doesn’t deserve us.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

The Perfect "Snogging" Playlist

Imagine this. A not so new but usable car, a group of crazy friends, a perfect night, a road trip, an event of your favorite band, a perfect place, something like a record studio, maybe? and of course your man/lady sitting next beside you, what could possibly go wrong? 
Ah... maybe the perfect song for you guys to start the sparkle? Have it my way. 

1    1.  John Gold-“Vampire’s Kiss”
    “We are love, we are taken for granted
      I'm only here for this moment”

2. The real Tuesday weld-Last words
  “You said you loved me and I kind of believe that
    But these days, who knows what it means”

3. Alabama shakes-Always Alright
    “So you took me to party you got me alone 
     Said you wanna feel good and you feel like you're gonna explode"

4. She & Him-Thieves
    “And I know, and you know too that a love like ours is terrible news
      But that wont stop me crying no, that wont stop me crying over you”

5. Wild nothing-Only heather
          “Dressed in the moonlight and paler than bone she has got something that I've never known
            I couldn't explain it, I won't even try she is so lovely, she makes me feel high.”

      6. The xx-VCR
    “Watch things on vcrs with me and talk about big love I think we're superstars”

7. Jake bugg-Simple as this

    “I've been falling, crashing, breaking all the while you were stood here waiting
      For me girl”

Friday, January 13, 2017

Fool's gold

You've been always my favorite person, my favorite song, my favorite past. But today, I will start my life without you.
I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget how we used to be best friends, and then became lovers with a tough love and now, it all comes back again to where we used to be, and we’re good as strangers.
You’re my first love, the first man I always wanted to be with, the one I always wanted to end up with in every step of the way. The reason why I believe that love can be so genuine. The reason why I am happy and for some moment I feel so alive.
But we always go the wrong way.
You’re a time destroyer.
Maybe what we have is different. We love each other, but will never be together, we end up hating and hurting each other … and that’s enough.
I’m not letting you go. I’m letting my feelings go.
I have to accept the fact, that there are people that once were lovers, that once had the most beautiful stories, that once had the most amazing dreams for each other, but will never be together. 
Maybe we always came back for each other, but we always lose the chances that time gave us. It’s such a beautiful grunge love story.  I’ll be keeping these memories, that once I met someone like you. That once, someone made me feel like a flower. But I never wanted to be a flower. 
I want to be happy. I need someone that will never leave me. 
We’ll be alright.

Goodbye to my almost ‘always’.