To my almost "always"

How can you love a person so much, so genuine, so sweet and then unlove them suddenly? How can you tell your promises to one another and broke them again? How can you say you won’t leave, when all you ever did was to walk away?

Dear  Stranger… again,

                It’s done.  Just like that, it’s over… again.

                You’re a stranger again, just like that.

I guess it will never work out the way we always wanted and right here, right now before the clock ticks to nothingness and before I lose the whole meaning of writing, I’ll never find and will never ask answers from you, simply because I just thought I don’t need them. There were questions that don’t need any answers; it’s like a rhetorical question needing a rhetorical answer.

I just want to go on with my life and by that means, without you.

Thank you, for leaving a trace that surely I will never forget. Still, I know, there will be times that I’ll miss you, I’ll remember you even if I just walk on that stupid lane we used to walked, surely I’ll remember how you say your dreams or you, confessing your love to me, but surely it will also remind me, that these things were all in the past, and that’ll wake me, because hey, I’m in the present.

Thank you, for giving me emotions. Happiness, madness, loneliness and for a time I feel a blood rush into my veins.

It’s funny how things work out, we used to be friends, best friends, turned out to be lovers, then strangers, friends and then lovers again, but you choose to be a stranger again… for a long time, and you suddenly came back again, then we became lovers again, then back to where we used to be… being strangers to each other, am I nuts? Maybe I am.

To tell you honestly, it came to my mind that I shouldn’t regret any single moments I had with you. I guess, it made a part of rebuilding of who I am, for knowing myself deeply, that without these certain moments, without these lessons, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now or the person that I will become.  You are like the every person mentioned in a heartbroken or sad song. Thank you for all those countless memories, for the things you shared, for the laugh, tears you brought into my life, but most of all, for the heartaches that you gave me.

I am also sorry, for not being the person you used to know. I changed a lot. Maybe a part of the reason why is because of what happened to us. But I don’t blame you anymore, this is me right now and you can’t find the old one and to tell you, I can’t find you too.

Up until now, I don’t know what love can bring to me, to us. I just got a realization, that when you break up with people, you also break a part of yourself, you detach from all these strings that once made you together. It is hard. But you have to accept and move on.

I forgive you anyway, maybe it’s not your fault after all, for not loving me anymore, for losing the string, for giving up on our always, maybe that’s just how it goes, cause maybe you’re not the one for me, maybe you’re just a hundred lesson I should learn back then. And right now, the only thing that I should take from all of these is to accept the fact that people come and go and steal your parts and it’s up to you on how to regain yourself again from that heartache.

No one’s to blame, cause maybe it just how our story goes right now… but it is not the end. We should continue to walk on and be strong every day, to learn to love yourself and rebuild your trust. There will be an always for us, maybe not on the person we used to love, maybe from someone else, who knows? Love’s a puzzle, cause maybe the person we love doesn’t deserve us.

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Fool's gold

You've been always my favorite person, my favorite song, my favorite past. But today, I will start my life without you.

I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget how we used to be best friends, and then became lovers with a tough love and now, it all comes back again to where we used to be, and we’re good as strangers.

You’re my first love, the first man I always wanted to be with, the one I always wanted to end up with in every step of the way. The reason why I believe that love can be so genuine. The reason why I am happy and for some moment I feel so alive.

But we always go the wrong way.

You’re a time destroyer.

Maybe what we have is different. We love each other, but will never be together, we end up hating and hurting each other … and that’s enough.

I’m not letting you go. I’m letting my feelings go.

I have to accept the fact, that there are people that once were lovers, that once had the most beautiful stories, that once had the most amazing dreams for each other, but will never be together. 

Maybe we always came back for each other, but we always lose the chances that time gave us. It’s such a beautiful grunge love story.  I’ll be keeping these memories, that once I met someone like you. That once, someone made me feel like a flower. But I never wanted to be a flower. 

I want to be happy. I need someone that will never leave me. 

We’ll be alright.

Goodbye to my almost ‘always’. 

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That thing called “Moving on” ( Top cliché lines you’ll always hear when suffering from heartbreak)

Sometimes… though, hearing it a thousand times… it goes too well.

This is a true story. It is definitely is.

Dear Heartache,


      Be strong- There’s no other way but to be strong. If you insist to be weak all the time then darling you're the one who’s hurting yourself. It is too much. The only person you’re believing for and hoping for is you. Yes yourself. You have to believe that you can do this, even if thousands of memories came flashing back one by one.

   Cry- Contrary to the first one, well this only means that don’t act too strong, like acting nothing happened, like everything’s perfect and nothing actually hurt deep inside. Yes you have to be strong in a way that you believe that you can pass this heartbreaking situation that you can actually move on and feel happy again. Ignoring is so different from moving on. When you actually ignore, it more comes to you that nothing is finished, that you actually leave your heart unasked. Cry, if you feel hurt and if it makes you better… then cry. There’s no crime it in. It actually makes your heart feel better than keeping all the hurt inside.

   Don’t blame him/her, don’t blame yourself- Okay, maybe he’s/she’s the one who made the mistake, or maybe you. The point is, it is already done. You guys already made a choice. You’ve hurt one another, and that’s not a good thing but in reality it happens. Say sorry for fooling around and if he/she wants a second chance then you’re all good, maybe you don’t need to read this. But if it doesn’t go too well, then don’t blame anyone for what happened. Sometimes, the person you love and believe for was not the person you love anymore or maybe sometimes believing that he’s/she’s the one wasn’t the answer for forever. It happens. One day you love the person you are with and then the next day you woke up not feeling the same love you share with him/her... it doesn’t feel the same way again.

      Be with your friends- The crazy people don’t leave you just like that. It maybe heartbreaking to be with them while talking about your problems and thinking that something change and thinking that you are sad and single. Well, the break up just happened, so tell them, voice out if you feel comfortable. Hang out with them, cause sometimes, they bring the fresh jokes ever and wishing that you can smile just for a while.

      Talk to a new friend- Talking to a friend about your story is a good thing. But sometimes you need someone new, it helps because your new friend doesn’t have to be bias in terms of advising about your problems and believe it or not, sometimes you mostly said the loudest words you kept from your friends. Lastly, you get new encouraging words from your new friend. (Watch “That thing called tadhana”)

           Don’t hide in the dark side- Go somewhere! Somewhere, where you can voice out your feelings alone, where you can think all the things that happened between you and your guy/girl. Refresh your mind and help yourself to keep the track back. Feel the moment of finally being alone, okay feel the hurt, but after suffering from your deep thoughts, learn to be appreciative. Sometimes you have to come into this kind of scene because it is part of your life.

        Think about the good side- Maybe there’s something good that will come. So cliché, but yeah, you know what they say… someone leaves, someone comes. Think about the bright side darling, it maybe hurtful at first, but once you get the idea of finally spending time with your lost long friends, your family, your siblings or maybe spending a lot by yourself, you sometimes feel more appreciative about the person that is around you. There are a lot of people that loves you even if that one person leaves you. There is someone coming ready to save you and this time it is the right one.

             Try- Don’t be afraid of meeting someone new. It comes with readiness. Don’t try if you’re not ready… yet. Try and believe again in the magic of love. How can you know he’s the right one if you didn’t even try because you’re too scared? I can’t promise you that when the right one comes, you’ll never be hurt again but that’s full of shit. You have to remember that when you started to love, you have to be ready for pain. But … if he’s/she’s really the one that God wants you to be with, then no matter what happened… he’s/she’s always be your forever.

             Accept- Accept the changes that will happened to you. The daily habit of being with him/her was no longer on your planner. It’s time to accept the big changes in your life and change it with the small ones up to the big ones. Once you’ve accept the truth… slowly you mend the broken heart.

             Pray- Eat. Pray. Love. Simple. Eat for you to be full. Pray for you to be live. Love for you to be loved. 

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Coping with flashbacks

1. Tell yourself that you are having a flashback, and that you are safe now.
2. Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event has already occurred and you survived.
3. Breathe. When we get scared we stop breathing normally. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen, which in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings; pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, and dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means breathing in so that your diaphragm expands. If you were to put your hand on your stomach, your stomach would push against your hand when you inhale.
4. Get grounded. This means stamping your feet on the ground to remind yourself that you have feet and can get away now if you need to. (There may have been times before when you could not get away, now you can.) Being aware of all five senses can also help you ground yourself.
5. Reorient to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colours in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds in the room: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair, or the floor supporting you.
6. Get in touch with your need for boundaries. Sometimes when we are having a flashback we lose the sense of where we leave off and the world begins, as if we do not have skin. Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or stuffed animal, go to bed, sit in a closet, any way that you can feel yourself truly protected from the outside.
7. Get support. Depending on your situation you may need to be alone or may want someone near you. In either case it is important that your close ones know about flashbacks so they can help with the process, whether that means letting you be by yourself or being there with you.
8. Take the time to recover. Flashbacks can be very powerful. Give yourself time to make the transition from this powerful experience. Don’t expect yourself to jump into other activities right away. Take a nap, a warm bath, or some quiet time. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Do not beat yourself up for having a flashback.
9. Honour your experience. Appreciate yourself for having survived that horrible time. Respect your body’s need to experience a full range of feelings.
10. Be patient. It takes time to heal. It takes time to learn appropriate ways of taking care of yourself and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now. 

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