Friday, August 4, 2017

To all the boys we loved before


     **To the guy I’ve known for so long, who suddenly become my best friend, my super bud, my food buddy and my confidante, partners in crime for life right? Thanks for being with me all the time you never know how much I appreciate this kind of friendship that we have. It isn’t for just a good time, I know. It feels so easy to talk about anything with you and it feels so safe to share about my problems with you without being judged. I can get the most exact comments from you, no filter, no sugar coating of words, you just say the exact truth. We laugh at the most bizarre things, we act like brothers, we share the common grounds and I thank heavens for sending me a friend like you. No drama.

**To the guy I’ve already forgiven, now. Now is the time I guess, to fill my heart with forgiveness. I will never forget of course, but surely I can forgive you. I don’t want to dwell in that gloomy past. I love myself so I am forgiving you.

**To the guy I’ve met in a deserted lane. We’ve crossed the same path, made a quick glance to one another, held hands but eventually didn’t stay for too long, it’s okay. We didn’t push ourselves too hard. Maybe it’s right, it feels okay but not right for too long. It just happened that we’re walking on that lane for the same day, but have different journeys to take.

**To the guy I’ve hoped. I still didn’t get the chance to meet you or maybe I already did? I don’t know. Maybe we already crossed the path, tend to look in each other but never said anything. I’m wondering what kind of lesson I might get from you. But surely, we’ll know each other.

**To the guy I gave nothing but heartaches. I am deeply sorry. You met me at my worst, where all things just go wrong in my mind, where I can’t think straight, where my only concern is my well being. You love me but all I did was to break your heart. You’ll always be a part of my life, strange as it seems, I learned a lot from you.  Selfish to realize but yes, someone can love me and can offer his whole Universe.  Thank you and sorry for the trouble, I know you’re doing well now and I wish you well.

**To the guy who crossed my path for a thousand times, I guess you’re free now. I can’t say more, cause all my letters in the past is always about you. So I’ll just stop here for good.

** To the guy, I’m giving my heart, please take care of it. Please have patience with it, please have it for a lifetime. Let’s be psychos, weirdos and crazy together. I can’t wait for the moment when the both of us are just two individuals, watching the sunset, watching the rain from outside, sipping coffee, reading books, going anywhere or nowhere, watching movies (Either X-men or Before sunset will do), telling our stories, fighting to worthless or significant topics we will encounter, or maybe just being us, just two individuals with the same insights and feelings. Let it be like an indie song. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

To my almost "always"

How can you love a person so much, so genuine, so sweet and then unlove them suddenly? How can you tell your promises to one another and broke them again? How can you say you won’t leave, when all you ever did was to walk away?
Dear  Stranger… again,
                It’s done.  Just like that, it’s over… again.
                You’re a stranger again, just like that.
I guess it will never work out the way we always wanted and right here, right now before the clock ticks to nothingness and before I lose the whole meaning of writing, I’ll never find and will never ask answers from you, simply because I just thought I don’t need them. There were questions that don’t need any answers; it’s like a rhetorical question needing a rhetorical answer.
I just want to go on with my life and by that means, without you.
Thank you, for leaving a trace that surely I will never forget. Still, I know, there will be times that I’ll miss you, I’ll remember you even if I just walk on that stupid lane we used to walked, surely I’ll remember how you say your dreams or you, confessing your love to me, but surely it will also remind me, that these things were all in the past, and that’ll wake me, because hey, I’m in the present.
Thank you, for giving me emotions. Happiness, madness, loneliness and for a time I feel a blood rush into my veins.
It’s funny how things work out, we used to be friends, best friends, turned out to be lovers, then strangers, friends and then lovers again, but you choose to be a stranger again… for a long time, and you suddenly came back again, then we became lovers again, then back to where we used to be… being strangers to each other, am I nuts? Maybe I am.
To tell you honestly, it came to my mind that I shouldn’t regret any single moments I had with you. I guess, it made a part of rebuilding of who I am, for knowing myself deeply, that without these certain moments, without these lessons, I wouldn’t be the person I am right now or the person that I will become.  Just like in the songs, “You made me stronger by breaking my heart”.  Thank you for all those countless memories, for the things you shared, for the laugh, tears you brought into my life, but most of all, for the heartaches that you gave me.
I am also sorry, for not being the person you used to know. I changed a lot. Maybe a part of the reason why is because of what happened to us. But I don’t blame you anymore, this is me right now and you can’t find the old one and to tell you, I can’t find you too.
And to tell you people, up until now, I don’t know what love can bring to me, to us. I just got a one realization, that when you break up with people, you also break a part of yourself, you detach from all these strings that once made you together. It is hard. But you have to accept and move on.
I forgive you anyway, maybe it’s not your fault after all, for not loving me anymore, for losing the string, for giving up on our always, maybe that’s just how it goes, cause maybe you’re not the one for me, maybe you’re just a hundred lesson I should learn back then, or maybe… I don’t know, cause future’s unknown and I’m only holding to what’s right now. And right now, the only thing that I should take from all of these is to accept the fact that people come and go and steal your parts and it’s up to you on how to regain yourself again from that heartache.

No one’s to blame, cause maybe it just how our story goes right now… but it is not the end. We should continue to walk on and be strong every day, to learn to love yourself and rebuild your trust. There will be an always for us, maybe not on the person we used to love, maybe from someone else, who knows? Love’s a puzzle, cause maybe the person we love doesn’t deserve us.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

The Perfect "Snogging" Playlist

Imagine this. A not so new but usable car, a group of crazy friends, a perfect night, a road trip, an event of your favorite band, a perfect place, something like a record studio, maybe? and of course your man/lady sitting next beside you, what could possibly go wrong? 
Ah... maybe the perfect song for you guys to start the sparkle? Have it my way. 

1    1.  John Gold-“Vampire’s Kiss”
    “We are love, we are taken for granted
      I'm only here for this moment”

2. The real Tuesday weld-Last words
  “You said you loved me and I kind of believe that
    But these days, who knows what it means”

3. Alabama shakes-Always Alright
    “So you took me to party you got me alone 
     Said you wanna feel good and you feel like you're gonna explode"

4. She & Him-Thieves
    “And I know, and you know too that a love like ours is terrible news
      But that wont stop me crying no, that wont stop me crying over you”

5. Wild nothing-Only heather
          “Dressed in the moonlight and paler than bone she has got something that I've never known
            I couldn't explain it, I won't even try she is so lovely, she makes me feel high.”

      6. The xx-VCR
    “Watch things on vcrs with me and talk about big love I think we're superstars”

7. Jake bugg-Simple as this

    “I've been falling, crashing, breaking all the while you were stood here waiting
      For me girl”

Friday, January 13, 2017

Fool's gold

You've been always my favorite person, my favorite song, my favorite past. But today, I will start my life without you.
I’ll never forget you. I’ll never forget how we used to be best friends, and then became lovers with a tough love and now, it all comes back again to where we used to be, and we’re good as strangers.
You’re my first love, the first man I always wanted to be with, the one I always wanted to end up with in every step of the way. The reason why I believe that love can be so genuine. The reason why I am happy and for some moment I feel so alive.
But we always go the wrong way.
You’re a time destroyer.
Maybe what we have is different. We love each other, but will never be together, we end up hating and hurting each other … and that’s enough.
I’m not letting you go. I’m letting my feelings go.
I have to accept the fact, that there are people that once were lovers, that once had the most beautiful stories, that once had the most amazing dreams for each other, but will never be together. 
Maybe we always came back for each other, but we always lose the chances that time gave us. It’s such a beautiful grunge love story.  I’ll be keeping these memories, that once I met someone like you. That once, someone made me feel like a flower. But I never wanted to be a flower. 
I want to be happy. I need someone that will never leave me. 
We’ll be alright.

Goodbye to my almost ‘always’. 

Sunday, November 6, 2016

10 things I hate but makes me love you.


I hate it when I ask you “what are you thinking?” Then you’ll say nothing, even though there is. It makes me wanted to wonder in your world.

I hate it when you lie or whenever I felt that you’re lying. I honestly wanted to know all the details, big or small.

I hate it when you take 5 cigs a day (or more) or get drunk on evenings. I am concern about your health, I wanted to be with you for the longest time, because we have so much things to do.

I hate it when you look at me & I’ll ask you “Why?” then you’ll say nothing. If you wanted to tell me I am beautiful or if you love me, or if there’s a dirt on my face, please tell me. I wanted to hear it from you.

I hate it when you accidentally steps on my foot or trip. I walk fast remember? So why?

I hate it when you fall asleep & forget to text me good night. I know you’re tired, but please before going to sleep, send me a good night message, when the night comes, I wanted my last text message would be coming from you.

I hate it when you sip your drink louder. It’s kinda cute, but others are looking. But it’s you, so it’s okay anyway.

I hate it when we fight, either it’s me who started or you, I just really don’t like the feeling. But whenever it will happen, please let us always try our best to work things out.

I hate it when you’re thinking you’ll disappoint me or you’ll fail. I wanted you to know that I am here in your worst & best moments in your life.

I hate knowing all the girls you like before.


I love it when you touch my cheeks, chin, ears & back. It’s like you’re playing with my sensation.

I love it when you hold my hand, while we’re walking in the middle of the night, just the two of us. You make me feel safe.

I love it how you protect me while crossing the streets, you’re so into it. I also do love while you patiently wait for me when I came from work. It touches my heart, knowing that you’ll be waiting for me. I will always appreciate your efforts.

I love it when you say my name or our endearment, it’s like my name has a new meaning.

I love looking at you while you eat, you make me realize that foods shouldn’t come into waste, every bit of it. I love the nights when we decided to drink outside, talk & have a meaningful conversation. You are the best food buddy I ever have.

I love it when you say you’ll support me, I love it, that even though it’s not your thing to photograph foods or places, you still join me in my hobby & make sure will get the right shot.

I love knowing that even though, I am the craziest, moodiest, weirdest person in the world, you always choose to stay & still interested in knowing my thoughts.

I love how you respect me, it really shows , for telling me I am beautiful, that you’re proud of me & that you’re lucky to have me as your partner. It made me feel the best.

I love it when we both plan & think about our future together, to the places we would go, to the times we can spend all the time & be fool & stupid in love.

1   I love it when you tell me you are happy when you’re with me, that even though I have my own flaws, you still love me & you will always choose to love me.  And there’s more to love about you.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Why we keep on coming back?

Dear _____,

I have a song for you.
“True love they use to say won’t leave you astray, but hey babe we can start all over again, we’re going home”. There may be a hundred reasons why we failed in the first try, a hundred reasons why we broke up, a hundred reasons why we decided and called it quits. But if there’s one reason why we always wanted to come back, maybe that reason is too strong compared to the hundred reasons why we grow apart. That one reason maybe could bring us back together again. To start again, to add it in our memories, that time we might grow together again.

But people don’t always get lucky. Not all of us can get a second, third or fourth chances in lives. So when we have it, when we are able to grab those chances, we should keep it as an air in our lungs. Treasure it and don’t ever waste it.

Given us the familiarity, that certain voice or feelings, we should keep it alive. We should bury it in our hearts; no one can steal it, trust me it’s ours. 

This should be kept a worthwhile memory.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

A letter to myself

DEAR ___________

First and for most, I am proud of you no matter what. You’ve come a looong way. This isn’t the time to give up. I know you miss your old self, the old _______ who can smile and be positive about the world, the old you who is a friend to all kinds of people, a hardworking _____, the one who busy herself doing amazing stuffs, the one who is afraid to get a low score test, the one who is imaginably a dreamer for herself and for her family. The old ______ is happy, I know. She never minds the bad in this world, for she doesn’t know back then, all she can see is a bright future, a happy world to live in.

But now, you have learned so much in this world. World isn’t about black and white, no, there are gray, red and blue, it depends. In short, you have learned that the world is not just one sided, it has many faces. You have learned to realize this, because of some experiences that brought you here. Life cannot offer you everything. You have learned love in a deeper way, you started disliking people, and you started to distrust people, even yourself. You have come to realize that fear is eating you alive. You have come to know that you can’t please many people in this world that some people just simply don’t like you and for that, you tried to make another version of you. You tried to be somebody else and it finally came to you that you’re not happy and sooner the system will just eat you up. You started to learn that there are different people in this world, different kinds, angels and monsters, bad and good, superstars and goons. You started knowing your real friends. You kinda made an organization, there are friends just for travel leisure, for fun and games, friends at work, friends you just say hi for a second, and luckily, friends that stays forever.  I tell you what, life isn’t black and white, it is a rainbow. For that, you finally came up with an answer that life is a coloring book, you choose what color to be put on.

When you’re still a child you only see the beautiful basic colors that makes up the world, but when you grow up, you finally realize that there are gray, maroon, fuchsia and beige. You suddenly learn the color palette. In this world, you strive hard, you really did. If you don’t then why are you here anyway? Some people will let you down, judge you, belittle you but let me tell you this, they don’t own you. You own yourself, you have the control besides God, so another thing, ask him. There are moments in your life when you didn’t know what to do, when you are stuck suddenly in a middle of nowhere, you can’t walk a little because you just didn’t know what to do. So, ask God for directions. Just remember, that always do what you love, always reach for that dream, never stop, always give your hundred percent at everything, because in the end, it will pay you a reward. Life isn’t depressing at all, you are not the only one who thinks and feels like an idiot for a moment. When you feel you’re worthless, don’t stay in bed for too long, stand up. And if your parents started nagging you for doing nothing, maybe they are right, you have to do something, cause time’s running up, it won’t wait you, maybe you’re late but you can catch up and when the time comes that you already know what to do, you’re just exact in time. Maybe you’re in a line between “going there” to “finish”, we all are. These feelings of loneliness, sadness, it will fade away once we know who we really are and what we are here for. It is a journey, so embrace every of it. We will all end up being happy and whole at the end. Just remember, don’t stay too long in bed. There’s still a chance for everyone.